Confused? Here’s a short guide on what to do during a market correction.

Hedge Fund Managers

1. Let clients know that you saw this coming and that of course you are hedged

2. Yell at the nearest trader to f*cking hedge the book

Stock Brokers

1. Call everyone on your CRM that you have ever told to short a stock

2. Avoid calls from the clients who you told to buy stocks last week

Financial Journalists

1. Over analyze anything that can be spun as a reason for the market to sell off

2. Deadly viruses typically work here

Dentist / part-time e-traders

1. Panic into complex option positions that your wife will never understand

2. Yell at your kids about your damn theta burn

Financial Advisors

1. As a fiduciary, it is your responsibility use this time to sell the most active, high-fee funds you can get your hands on.

2. Remind Mrs. Jones, you don’t know where the next 20% move is, but you do know where the next 100% move is.


1. Go on CNBC and make it clear that you are right about something

2. Tell yourself how awesome you are

Day Traders

1. Remember the “good years” when the VIX was at 90 and the economy was collapsing

2. Realize that isn’t happening and that HFT just scalped you again and you have no idea why you’re still doing this

Newsletter Authors

1. Email blast that bearish note you wrote in July of 2013

2. Write a ”what to do now” email behind a paywall with a 15% discount, type “bear” in promotion box.